Life Marriage

April Fool’s

I love April Fool’s Day.  Mike hates this day, probably because of me.  A couple years ago, I asked my friend Amanda who was 8 months pregnant at the time, to take a pregnancy test for me.  She lovingly obliged and much to my delight, a plus sign appeared on the test almost instantly.  I then nonchalantly left the test and the box on the toilet for Mike to find the next morning.  The alarm went off early the next day and Mike stumbled out of bed.  I lay there with my eyes wide open, grinning from ear to ear, positively giddy with anticipation as I heard him get up and go into the bathroom. I could tell already that this was going to be the best day of my life.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

A couple minutes later, I heard the toilet flush, some rustling and Mike came plodding over to the bed.  I quickly flopped over and pretended to be asleep as he walked over to me.  “Erin wake up, is this a joke?”   “What?”  I asked innocently into my pillow.  “You know what I am talking about, THIS,” as he held up the pregnancy test.  I slowly turned over, “Sweetheart, I wanted to tell you last night but you looked so tired. But it’s true, you are going to be a daddy again!  Can you believe it?  After we took all those precautions!  It is a miracle!”  I forced myself not to blink so my eyes would tear up.  I could see the panic momentarily cross his face as he racked his brain to remember the last time we had actually had sex.  He leaned over and stroked my hair.  OMG, he was buying it.

“I think it was that night we did it in my car in the garage because the kids were both in our bed,” I went on to say as the tears trickled down my face.  “I guess God decided we were not finished having children yet.  I am so nervous, what if we are having twins?  Why aren’t you excited?”  I stared at him with a pained look as I buried my face in my hands to carefully suppress my imminent laughter.  Secretly, I have always considered myself somewhat of a skilled actress, specifically in bed with an ex-boyfriend who could never seem to get the job done before my favorite show started.  Anyway, this was precisely the dramatic breakthrough role I had been searching for to truly illustrate the depth of my character.

I was running through my mental list of people to thank as I accepted my Oscar, when Mike started laughing and said “You are sooooooooo full of shit!”  “What do you mean?  The test is obviously positive Michael!” I yelled in desperation.  “Erin, do you really think I would fall for that?  And I don’t even want to know how you manipulated Amanda to give you her pee.”  I threw a pillow at his head and rolled over to go back to sleep, my day obviously ruined.  I lay there pouting for a few minutes until I remembered April Fool’s Day a couple years earlier when I played the stupidest joke EVER on Mike and he totally fell for it to my utter amazement……

Mike was on his annual golf trip with a group of his friends in Scottsdale approximately the same time the “World’s Biggest Douche Bag” title holder since Hitler, Saddam Hussein, was apprehended.  I woke up, remembered it was April Fool’s Day and called Mike.  He was already out on the golf course when I asked him if he had heard the news yet.   He replied that he had not and I blurted out “Mike it’s all over the news, members of Saddam’s army swarmed the prison where he is being held and busted him out.  Everyone is freaking out.  Can you believe it?”  Mike said “OMG, are you serious?  That is insane!”

I heard him cover the mouthpiece to tell all his friends which was immediately followed with a series of “What the Fucks?” and “Holy Shits!” and “Bastards” etc. etc.  Mike got back on the phone and said “This is crazy, I NEVER saw this coming.”  I started jumping up and down in glee.  “I know, right?”  I could still hear all the guys (a number of whom are actual doctors, my husband included) freaking out in the background.  I finally burst out laughing unable to contain my insurmountable joy for one more solitary second and yelled “April Fools!” into the phone and hung up.  I loved that day.

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