Mike and I have decided to start dating again. Each other. Chill, we ain’t that socially liberal, I just read that courting your spouse can make being married fun. We have been golfing twice now and last weekend we went out to dinner and saw Dennis Miller perform. As I expressed to my friends on facebook, I do not understand Dennis Miller jokes. So Mike just laughed and laughed while I took pictures of our heads and compared how big Mike’s melon was next to mine. I was like “Hey I think I figured out why you and your mom have issues. If I had to push your massive cranium out of my body I would probably harbor resentment towards you as well.” And he said “She had a c-section.” And I was like “Oh sorry, nevermind.”
I just sat there bored, fake laughing at jokes about football, politics and global warming so Mike would think I am smart. When we got home Mike tried to make a move on me and I held my hand up and said “I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am but I am not having sex with you this soon into our relationship. Goodnight.” Then I rolled over and went to sleep.
Mike and I are very well aware that we have a three day maximum with one another before we start searching for untraceable ways to buy arsenic on the computer. Last weekend started out great until Sunday night when I began to twitch each time I passed his office and saw his piles of stuff accumulating all over the place. I asked him in my nicest voice to “please put your fucking shit away.” And he calmly replied “Sure, oh and are you planning on going grocery shopping sometime or would you like me to whip up a batch of your coffee creamer for the kids to drink for dinner.”
I shook my fist at the sky and cursed Columbus. Let me get this straight, first we are going to reward this ass-pirate for essentially stealing land from Native Americans by granting him a federal holiday and then we are going to disrupt my relatively harmonious marriage by exceeding the boundaries of togetherness. Makes sense.
Ironically, I was making dinner last night (I know right?!) when Mike called to tell me that a presidential candidate’s wife was going to be in town on Thursday and the roads to his office were going to be blocked so he had no choice but to cancel his day and reschedule his patients. Ahhhh, another four day weekend together. This should be just about as fun as running into my dad while shopping for sex toys.
And since we are discussing marriage, my friend Meredith decided to she wants to give it a whirl and is getting married on Saturday. She called me this morning to tell me that she just had the stomach flu super bad. I was like “OMG THAT IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!” And she was like “I KNOW RIGHT?!” Her abs actually hurt and she is going to look gaunt in all her wedding pictures! I am just going to have to settle for a spray tan to create the illusion of svelte because if I talked Mer into licking my face today, my plan would backfire and I would be barfing on her wedding day by the time her virus incubated in my body. Oh well, I am totally happy for her.
And lastly, Erin’s passive aggressive tip for the day: I was just looking online and right now there is a sale on 25 lb. bags of Moonsand. Yes Moonsand. As in every-mother’s-worst-fucking-nightmare-in-a-box because you can never, ever clean it all up! This shit was invented by a sadist going through caffeine withdrawals. All my happily divorced friends out there should get some, wrap it up nice and pretty and mail it to your ex-spouse’s house as a present for your kids. It would be the funniest thing EVER unless your former has violent tendencies. You are welcome. Love Love XO