I was sitting outside freezing my ass off in the middle of the night waiting for my puppy to whiz when I glanced up at the sky and thought about what a genius the person was that started “selling” stars. Um…okay…let me see here, I am going to say I own all the stars and then I will start charging people to name them. I could technically sell the same star to a thousand different dupable people and they would never know. Do you realize how asinine and absolutely brilliant this is at the same time?
Dude: (Pointing to the sky) I bought you your very own star and named it Carol after you. No, no not that one, that is Susan. The one right above it. Happy Anniversary Baby, let’s go make love…..If Mike was ever dumb enough to buy me a star I would totally return it when he was at work.
Anyway… According to the vet, my new puppy has a drinking problem. This past weekend we were forced to stage an intervention and strictly limit his water intake before his kidneys exploded. Mike was all, “How do you manage to find the most jacked up dogs?” “It is a gift I have, sort of like people that are double-jointed or clairvoyants.” Incidentally, I used to be super jealous of double-jointed people until I came to the realization that they are just greedy attention whores. “HEY EVERYBODY AT THIS PARTY- WANT TO SEE ME TOUCH MY LEFT THUMB TO MY LEFT ELBOW?!” No, not really, but I am sure you are going to show me anyway. “Wow, that is seriously cool. Okay well, I am going to go eat some more cheese cubes now, see you around.” Bastards.
Every single time we have to take one of our dogs to the vet for a series of expensive tests to ultimately receive a diagnosis of water addiction or full anal glands, Mike says, “You are NEVER allowed to get another dog. I mean it this time ERIN!” Hi. Most normal people would be happy to learn their dog was not going to die. Mike then informed me I was the: “Vein of his existence.” I smiled and moved my eyebrows up and down really fast because I need botox but he won’t let me, “Like I am your vena cava? It is ‘BANE of my existence’ BWAHAHAHAHA!”
Then Mike started laughing because he knows his inability to recite common phrases despite having a doctorate is my second favorite thing about him. One time I was in a good mood (it was awhile ago) and Mike claimed I was “happier than a pig in heat.” Omg, it’s M-U-D. Have I ever been happy on my period except when I thought I might be pregnant?
And finally, my eight-year-old had her first run-in with the law when I was dropping her off for school. A police officer pulled up along side my car with her lights on as I stopped in the carpool lane. I rolled down my window and she snapped, “HOW FAST ARE YOU TRYING TO GET HERE?” Well, I am a stay-at-home-mom… “I SAW YOUR KID START TO TAKE OFF HER SEATBELT BEFORE YOU CAME TO A COMPLETE STOP!”
Actually, that’s not true. Why? Because my car is a controlling asshole that’s why. If anyone takes off their seatbelt, opens a window etc. an alarm goes off. I am extraordinarily resentful of this oppressive feature because I hate being told what to do, except in the sack. Ask Mike if you don’t believe me. I even tried to have the thing disconnected but apparently there is actual legislation which prohibits me from doing so. And I Madam Officer, am not a law breaker.
The officer then proceeded to ream my daughter, “THE NEXT TIME I CATCH YOU DOING THAT YOUR MOM IS GOING TO GET A HEFTY FINE. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT AGAIN. I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH MY CAPTAIN BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…..” I interrupted her opprobrious tirade to ask if she could simply pull me over. Request denied. Jesus, I actually felt sorry for crack dealers considering this was an eight-year-old with a seatbelt issue.
Well, predictably my child was in a state of absolute hysteria when she left. Have a great day at school sweetie, sorry you were verbally assaulted by a power-tripping lunatic. Fuck that. I went home and gave that officer’s supervisor a little jingle. Great guy! I recommended that he have her attend some of the anti-bullying assemblies that the police department facilitates in their school. Oh and don’t talk to my kid like that. Ever. HISS.
Rest assured, I will be driving approximately 5 miles under the speed limit and making complete stops following this publication of this blog. Have a wonderful weekend!!!! Smoochies!!! XO