I always knew I would grow up to marry a doctor or an oil magnate. I just never imagined I would actually love him. Oddly enough however, I freaking L-O-V-E my husband. Like after thirteen years together, the sound of Mike’s chewing doesn’t always make me want to punch him in the throat and I have come to adore his unconventional and often disturbing grasp of the vernacular.
Mike will say things like, “Okay, kids! Let’s ‘gang bang’ the house and get this place cleaned up!” or “I am going to go out and ‘gang bang’ the lawn before it rains.” The other day he actually quipped, “I am going to ‘strap on’ my workout shorts and run on the treadmill.” I just winced and didn’t say a word.
I am fairly certain Mike uses these terms at work and I imagine it goes something like this: “Good Morning Ladies! We have a busy day today so we need to really stay on schedule. Go ‘strap on’ your masks and lets ‘gang bang’ our patients! Now everyone throw in a hand for our morning cheer!” I assume they all awkwardly shuffle towards him, exchanging weary glances as they reluctantly put an arm in the circle and shout, “MAAAAKKE ERIN SOOOOOME MOOOOONEY!” I know I should tell him he is a dipshit but, it is just so goddamn funny.
Overlooking his inability to master basic colloquial language skills, Mike is 100% pure Italian awesomeness. Annnnnd, I felt this way even before he told me I should take a break and go to my friend Jen’s 40th birthday party in Hawaii. An actual vacation. All.Alone.OMG.
I met my friend Jen off the Internet and sometimes you find out scary, scary things about people this way. In my case, I learned that Jen likes nature. Soooo, for her birthday she had a total hard-on to take an eight-mile hike in Hawaii to see a waterfall. No. I do not get it either; however, it was her special day and I pride myself on being entirely selfless when it comes to my friends.
I donned a pair of sunglasses and a hat so no one would recognize me as I drove to REI to buy some outdoorsy shit in preparation for our expedition. *I can’t wait to turn forty. I am so going to make Jen fly to Denver and force her to get seaweed colonics with me at a ritzy spa followed by a trip to Nordstrom where she can watch me try on at least a thousand pairs of jeans in retribution.
I walked in the store and my olfactory senses were immediately assaulted by the pungent pheromones of a young, robust looking salesman. I could totally tell he wanted to make out with me. I suspect his desires were due to his limited exposure to women wearing makeup. I closed my eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath.
“Okay Trevor, I need some sandals that I can hike in.” I glanced around at all the beige and felt a wave of nausea pass through me. “Don’t waste your time trying to sell me those shoes with individual sections for toes because my pinkie toe and the toe next to it are co-dependents. They totally aren’t webbed though; that would be disgusting.” He started laughing.
Trevor returned with a pair of ugly shoes, much as I anticipated he would. I glanced at them and said they would be fine if that was the very best he could do. He actually asked if I wanted to try them on. I shot him a dirty look and informed him that I would promptly be gifting them to my lesbian friend upon my return so that would not be necessary. He laughed again. “So do you spend a lot of time outdoors?”
I stared at him and decided it was time to put an end to his fantasy of boning a 35 year-old mom. “Actually, I hate nature. I am just going to hang with my friends.” He looked altogether crushed as his fantasy of us snuggled up in an igloo after a long day of ice-fishing together came to an instantaneous halt.
I flopped a $150 backpack that holds water, or vodka, up on the counter along with my new shoes. I glanced around and tossed some power bars, bear spray and a first aide kit up there for good measure. “Maybe I will see you again?!” Trevor said enthusiastically as I swiped my credit card. “Unlikely, but good luck with all your future camping endeavors. I hope you don’t get Lyme Disease.”
And this was how my very first mommy vacation began…..XO
PS Happy Birthday Jen. I love your smelly guts.