Last Monday was the Justin Bieber concert in Denver. Holy.Pubescent.Pandemonium. My daughters were absolutely beside themselves, I was laughing hysterically watching them while Mike stayed on the phone with the suicide hotline. I have never been to a rave but I imagine this is what one would be like sans the acid and all the little kids. At one point Justin threw his dirty sweat towel into the crowd and the girl who caught it actually started sobbing hysterically….because she was happy. Wtf. That guy could throw his shit into the crowd and people would go insane. Actually, I think he should do that. I would like to see someone catching a shit.
Anyhow, I hope your holidays were pleasant. My favorite gift was Mike going back to work and the girls returning to school. Boooooy Howdy, that was a long time together. I took the girls ice skating three times by myself because Mike’s phalanges pay our mortgage and ice skating is dangerous. I learned that my daughters are really good ice skaters but more exciting, I discovered my nipples are actually regaining sensation thanks to the frigid temperatures. Annnnd the doctor said it wouldn’t happen. HA! I also liked watching the firefighters show up multiple times to assist all the people with their newly broken ankles. Meow.
Mike bought me a fuzzy black sweater for Christmas that gave me Sasquatch armpits. My mom yelled “Look everyone! Look at Erin’s hairy armpits! Mike take a picture!” right before dinner. My uncle naively brought a date to our house for Christmas this year thinking that maybe our family had become normal. Please. To my amusement the darling girl actually thanked me for the delightful evening before they left.
Legend tells that my family used to regift a fake penis (as opposed to a real one) dressed like Ole St. Dick as a gag gift (get it) every year. Apparently I got a hold of the sucker when I was about two and bit the head off, ruining Christmas and setting a precedent for my future relationships. Last year I bought a brand spanking new one for my grandma and my aunt sewed a Santa Claus suit on it.
Grandma’s face lit up with excitement when she opened it and I was reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. Some of my judgmental relatives scoffed in disapproval because I obviously overshadowed their lame gifts and made them look bad. Grandma regifted Santa Cock to me again this year. I already decided I am going to give it to one of my sourpuss unfun relations next year because I am thoughtful like that. XO