Mike recently had his first colonoscopy. Calm down. He is fine. I, the heroine of this blog, am still totally screwed up. Like I. Have. Seeeeeen. Things. People.
The day before Mike ruined my life, I went and picked up his laxative prescription. I also bought him some soothing wet wipes, vaseline, magazines, and scented candles because I am thoughtful like that. I then left him alone so he could do his business. *I did wake up around 2am to go check on him and discovered him lying in fetal position on the floor next to the bed. Mike made a super unattractive moaning noise when my two giant dogs started climbing on him, so I knew he was still alive. I went back to the guest room.
I woke up the next morning and took the girls to school. I considered not returning, but guilt prevailed because I was going to need Mike to take me to all my future face-lifts. I walked into the house and discovered him sitting there with his forehead resting on the kitchen table, wearing a pair of old man jogging pants. Without looking up he said, “Babe- I totally shit the bed. I put it all in the laundry room for you though.” “That was considerate of you, but entirely unnecessary, considering I am just going to haul it all outside and light it on fire.” He weakly laughed. Cute. He actually thought I was joking.
Mike and I arrived at the ass clinic and got him all checked in. I found a seat in the corner and opened my laptop. I glanced around, but was careful to avoid eye contact with all the starving, dehydrated, sleep-deprived people with sore butts. Mike and I sat there for a few minutes before the door opened and a SUPER hot nurse called his name. I immediately started to laugh. Like this chick was SO hot. Mike gave me dirty look and mouthed, “SHUT UP.” This day was turning out to be amazing after all. I waved bye and told him to “Have Fun!” I then cheerfully turned my attention back to my computer.
I was working away when someone came and sat down right next to me. “So what are you doing here?” I lifted my head up to see some guy peering over at me. What in the fuck do you think I am doing here? “Oh, I am here for the coffee and magazines. My husband is here for his butt appointment.” “Ooooh, so you are married? Too bad. I was going to see if you wanted to go out sometime. Not today obviously!” (laughs at his own joke) Omg. I just got hit on in a butthole center. My emotional devastation was palpable, as I slowly digested my new demographic of suiters. Awesome.
Fortunately right then, a different, militant looking nurse briskly called my name and informed me Mike was finished. I gathered up my stuff and awkwardly said, “Um, good luck with your butt.” I followed her back into the recovery room where there were all these groggy, farting people waking up from anesthesia.
She pulled back the curtain and there was Mike, high as a goddamn kite, eating some orange jello. He happily announced, “THIS IS MY WIFE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT!” The nurse gave me a curt smile. Mike carried on, “WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I WOULD BE THE ONE TO TAKE IT UP THE ASS FIRST?! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
I whipped my head around and stared at that man. Are we talking literally or figuratively here pal? I nodded, “Hey Mike- Why don’t you stop talking forever and just eat your jello.” The nurse softened and put her hand on my shoulder in a gesture of unified sisterhood. I could tell she felt sorry for me. Mike suddenly became preoccupied by a speck of dust in the air and started giggling, just as the super hot nurse came in and handed me a bunch of pictures of Mike’s butthole.
She proceeded to thoroughly explained each picture and then told me his butthole was perfect. Mike giggled again. She left and the doctor came in. Mike and this dude immediately started exchanging stupid jokes. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “Well, you will be happy to know that I didn’t find any dentures in your husband’s ass!” I fake laughed, “Oh, because he is a dentist. Good one!” I hate my life.
The doctor and Mike burst out in hysterical laughter. “But seriously, his butt looks amazing, no concerns, and what a funny guy! You are a lucky woman to be married to such a great man!” “Yep. Lucky me.” The hardcore nurse and I exchanged knowing glances. The ass doctor patted Mike on the shoulder, “I will make an appointment at your office soon buddy! For the other end!!!” Mike just giggled and took another bite of jello.
I helped Mike get dressed and reluctantly signed some forms claiming ownership of him. We got into the car and he immediately started whining about how he was “starving.” He began listing all these nice restaurants we could go to. I calmly said, “Mike you are stoned out of your fucking mind, you just told the nurse you took it up the ass before me, AND you shit yourself last night. So no, we are not going to any of those places.” “Eri-n- I feeeeeel totally normal!” I sighed, “Michael- If this is indeed true, then I seriously hate you even more right now.” He pouted for a few minutes, fell asleep, and suddenly woke up and manically pointed to some gross chain restaurant.
Mike ordered one of everything off the menu, while I sipped a glass of water and tried not to throw up. I was so grossed out by the day that I just wanted to get home. The waitress brought the bill and said, “I will see you two again soon!” Mike snickered, made pointy fingers at her and said, “Annnnnd I will see you again in ten years.”
And this is why I cannot WAIT for my colonoscopy.