Life Pets

If You Love Something

Gather round boys and girls, it is story time!  Once upon a time there was a gorgeous, kind, charming, loving, magical princess we will call………. Erin.  She was married to handsome dentist named Mike.  They had 3 beautiful daughters that liked to fight.  4 years ago they were living out in the middle of nowhere because Mike thought it would be a peaceful place to raise a family.  Erin was exhausted from being up all night every night with a baby and a toddler, her nipples were sore and she was filled with bitterness and resentment because it took her twenty minutes to drive to the grocery store every goddamn day of her life.

One day, which happened to fall on Mike’s fortieth birthday, Erin loaded the children in the car to go to the store to pick up her birth control pills.  Her 2 year old pooped and Erin dashed back into the house to take a swig of vodka and grab a diaper.  When she came back out, there was a beautiful white dove perched on the top of her giant mom car.  Erin quickly unloaded all the children from their car seats to witness this miraculous spectacle unleashing its glorious splendor in her garage.  Erin closed her eyes and pretended she was in Hawaii.  Alone.

The magnificent creature then flew off the top of the car and Princess Erin realized it was missing feathers in the shape of a heart upon its breast.  WTF?  She thought to herself as she changed a smelly diaper and put the children back in the car in preparation for their lengthy journey.  She left the garage open in case it wanted to join the hawks circling overhead and went to the pet store to buy a little bird cage.  When she returned, the mysterious creature was still there and a surfeit of bird shit adorned Mike’s riding lawn mower.  This made the princess laugh.  Erin then placed the cage on the ground and the dove climbed right in.  WTF?  She thought again.

Erin brought the bird inside.  Her 2 year-old named it “Spirit”.  WTF?  She thought yet again.  Realizing the poor creature had a hurt foot, Erin quickly flipped through the phone book because they lived so far away there was no internet service.  Finally, Erin found a vet that would not hang up on her because they thought they were being pranked.  So once again, the princess loaded up all her children, the bird, her anti-anxiety medication and trekked to the vet clinic.  The vet enlightened the princess with information of which she had not concluded on her own…..The bird was tame and someone’s pet! Oh yes, and she had a hurt foot!  WTF?  Princess Erin thought once again.

$325 poorer they returned home.  When the dentist came home he did not believe Erin’s story because she had told him some silly lies before.  In fact, to this day, he still thinks Erin was so baffled over what to get him for his birthday that she ran out and bought him an injured white dove because she simply did not have enough to do every single day of her lonely existence.  Sadly, posters and newspaper ads never rendered the true owner so Erin had no other choice but to take more of the dentist’s money and buy the dove a gigantic cage, countless toys, organic nutrient infused seed and other miscellaneous bird necessities.

4 years and thousands of dollars later, the princess and her family still have the dove that they (Erin) gingerly nursed back to health.  And, if you ask her, Princess Erin will tell you that if God ever sends you a pure white dove, you better f’ing take care of it or you will get struck by lightning.  The End.  XO

Jack Handy:  If you love something put it in a cage so it can never get away.


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