Mike became a man of God last weekend. I suppose I should be happy for him but instead I am finding myself increasingly annoyed at the pious attitude he has assumed in conjunction with his new title “Reverend Moroni.” Now every time the kids start fighting or the hamster (her name is Aretha Franklin) bites me, he is like “Erin, please refrain from using the Lord’s name in vain in my presence.” Let me back this ass up. My sister is getting married in 6 weeks. Since our parents raised us as heathens, we have no affiliation to any church/synagogue/mosque/cult.
We were sitting at my kitchen table discussing how awesome it was of our parents to not make us go to church except to celebrate Santa’s birthday once a year, when Mike hatched the brain child that he would simply become ordained over the internet and perform the ceremony. For a man living with PTSD compliments of the Catholicism he was subjected to as a child, this appears to be a cathartic concession between Mike and God. Whatever. However, make no mistake that the very first time I catch his ass trying to levitate over the bathtub water I am filing.
Next: My driver’s license had recently expired and so I had to first go to the Social Security Administration and change my last name to “Moroni” since I have been married for 8 years now. I was in hysterics watching all the newlyweds in there taking pictures with their new name-change paperwork especially when that had never even crossed my fucking mind. In fact, I called Mike right before I went and asked him if he was sure he wanted to “go through with it” he said he was busy and could he call me back? I then went to the DMV to get my new license and proudly boasted “I have not been pulled over for 7 years!” I pulled out of the parking lot and promptly received a speeding ticket.
Now in correlation with this last twist of irony, a couple weeks ago Mike thoughtfully gave me a book for our anniversary titled “Everything is Marketing: The Ultimate Stategy For Dental Practice Growth”. I was like W.T.F. In fact, we did not speak for approximately 24 hours because I told him this was the equivalent of receiving an iron (if they still make those) and he got his feelings hurt at my lack of sensitivity. Eventually I lied and told him I read it because I have guilt complex that manifests in peculiar ways like breastfeeding for excessive periods of time and not exhibiting jubilant emotion when receiving shitty gifts.
Unfortunately, this incident served as the foreshadowing of my paranoia that Mike is God afterall and has magical, creepy powers because I MET THE FUCKING AUTHOR OF THE BOOK AT THE POOL when we were in Arizona last weekend. I was like “Um yeah, I loved your book, especially the part about growing your dental practice.” The guy looked at me like I was dumb while his Holiness/Mike just sat there smirking.
I asked the guy if I could have my picture taken with him because I didn’t really know anyone famous. I then invited him to Christmas, smelled his arm and asked what his room number was. He looked totally uncomfortable. And I then proceeded to run into the dude for the rest of the weekend like I was some freaky dental office growth book author stalker even though everyone knows those don’t even exist. It was so awesome. Mike was like “Learn your lesson? Don’t mess with the Lord.” Yank. I thought it was FUNNNAAAAAAYYY. I should get ordained. My jokes would be way better. XO