Hi. I am not an Asian porn star. I am actually not any kind of porn star. – Erin 2019
Months ago I was driving my kid somewhere when I received a text from a darling Mormon friend of mine. “So, I just referred a friend who is recovering from a serious head injury to your blog and it is covered with Asian poems!” I squinted my eyes. Interesting. A Mormon was reading my blog? Is that even allowed? Anyway, I didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of urgency at this point because who doesn’t enjoy a heartwarming Haiku now and then?
A second later my phone dinged again. “PORN. Your blog is covered with porn!” I nodded. Ah-hah, there were the synapses I was looking for. This strangely made more sense to me now. Of course a wholesome Mormon’s phone would autocorrect to “poems.” I quickly clicked on my website while simultaneously pressing on the gas to get home. I am admittedly not a great connoisseur of porn, but that there was definitely Asian porn. I had been hacked.
Predictably, I did what everyone does when they find out they have inadvertently become a porn star and started laughing super duper hard. I quickly took down all my advertisers since I honestly had no idea if they were even into porn and I didn’t want to take any chances. “Buy this face lotion and you will definitely feel like having sex. A whole lot of sex. With a bunch of different dudes. At the same time.” I pulled the skin down under my eyeballs. Shiiiiiiit.
I then spent half the night on the phone with my IT company. Ultimately, I ended up moving far away and faking my death. Just kidding. The computer dude I was working with assured me he had “seen lots of porn” and I looked nothing like the woman on my site. I agreed and besides, anyone I have ever dated could attest that I am not even remotely that ambitious. *Like this chick’s work ethic was truly unparalleled; I have yet to see anything that even slightly compares.
The next day I spoke with my attorney who told me not to post any new material, to notify all my advertisers, and stay OFF my website. I solemnly agreed, hung up the phone and promptly called my sister and close friends. We immediately drove traffic right back up because we couldn’t stop looking and laughing.
Coincidentally, I became a porn star about the time my children’s principal announced her retirement. I lalalalove this woman and was seriously bummed, but I just tried to remain focused on my new career. I was a little surprised when I received an email informing me that I had been selected to serve on a panel to elect the new principal for the following school year.
Clearly, there was some sort of mistake. I am probably the LEAST qualified person to make a decision of this magnitude. I am a porn star, not stupid. I prefer the blame of accidentally hiring a total psycho to fall on some overly involved, real go-getter of a parent. Anyway, I rolled my eyes, added it to my calendar, and forgot all about it until Mike and one of our daughters left to go to Europe for a school trip.
They had been gone for a few days when my phone rang in the middle of the night. Mike was laughing so hard I could hardly understand him. “Erin- So you know how the principal is on this trip with us?” “That is awesome. Can I go back to sleep now?” He carried on, “She just told me the school board actually called her trying to figure out if you really were a porn star.”
I sat straight up, “Wait. What?” “Oh Yeah! They must have googled you because they wanted to make sure you were a ‘good choice’ for the hiring committee. But, don’t worry, she got it all cleared up for you. We are off to tour Versailles! Bye.” Omg.
Now, I was pissed. Who did these people think they were anyway? Judging an innocent porn star. If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be them.
On the day of the interviews, I put on a wholesome pastel colored mom cardigan and a pair of white Keds. If anyone dared ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” I would sweetly reply with, “Maybe. Do you watch porn?” Luckily, no one really talked to me and I managed to avoid eye contact with the HR director who was seated directly across from me. I made a beeline for the door as soon as we were finished.
As I was walking down the stairs to leave the school, I looked down over the railing and saw my daughter in the middle of play practice. I got so excited to see my kid that my brain forgot to control my legs. So, I tripped and fell. In front of a bunch of middle schoolers. And members of the school board. And various faculty members.
I know you all feel super sorry for me, and you definitely should. But, the good news about everyone thinking I am a porn star is that I remain largely unfazed by life now. Like I simply stood up, ignored the gasps, brushed myself off, pushed the protruding bone back into my leg, and calmly informed my daughter I would be waiting for her in the car.
Be sure to subscribe or resubscribe to my new website at www.erin-says.com. It’s better than most porn.