All last week my in-laws were in town. That was actually not the funny part. We were sitting there having yet another awkward family dinner when my sister-in-law (who used to not like me but I have sort of grown on her like a fungus over the years) reminded me of the time Mike took his daughter and they took their kids to Disneyland when we first met. I had only known Mike a few weeks and I needed to wrap up some loose ends with a few other “gentlemen callers” since we were getting serious and Italians can be absurdly dramatic when it comes to casually dating 5 or 6 other dudes at the same time so I opted to stay home.
However, for the past 10 years of my life, I have heard about this stupid trip countless times because The Little Mermaid was such a HOT attraction. Mike and his brother could seriously not get enough of this broad. “The line was just filled with dads and lesbians waiting in unbearable heat for hours with their kids just to get a glimpse of this chick” or “She had the most amazing shell covered boobs” or “The thousands of pictures we took were for the children” (even though the kids’ heads were cut off in most of them) or “Do you think she had red hair down under?” Blah, blah, blah….
AND THEN MY BRAIN HATCHED AN IDEA, the most brilliant idea EVER! This would be better then surprising Mike with a hairless cat named “Dermis”, better than my naughty Mrs. Claus outfit with too small pasties (the sales lady obviously thought I was Asian over the phone), better than putting fake dog barf in his office and watching him come unglued, better than having my pregnant friend give me some of her pee to take a pregnancy test………….. AND wouldn’t you know? My genius plan just happens to be in time for his birthday tomorrow!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
So here it is: I am going to make Mike’s dreams come true. No, don’t be stupid, I am not hooking up with another chick. I AM GOING TO DRESS UP LIKE A MERMAID!!!! Yep, I already contacted the costume shop, I bought a red wig, the girls are going to my mom’s, I downloaded the sounds of ocean waves on my iPod, and I am going to flop into bed and lay there seductively whipping my fin back and forth when he gets home. And to even make this more realistic, I am going to open a can of tuna fish and rub it all over me so I smell like a real fish! Mike and I have been married for 7 glorious years now; partially because he is afraid of me but mostly because we manage to keep things interesting. Happy Birthday Sugar Face! Rrrrrrrrrrrrr XO