While doing jumping jacks in boot camp yesterday, my precious friend Laura informed me that the Department of Wildlife had to come out and euthanize a coyote in her backyard the night before. Apparently, one of the suckers wandered into her backyard and lay down in the snow by her back porch. Laura immediately yelled for her husband and kids to come see this mysterious marvel of nature as it unabashedly exposed itself within the confines of their suburban yard. Excited, they took dozens of pictures and periodically opened the back door to throw hotdogs at its head in case it was hungry. Then, just when Laura was certain her children were completely enthralled by their new pet coyote, the poor thing tried to stand up and……… promptly fell back down. Uh-Oh.
Laura quickly realized this was not a spiritual awakening after all. Nope, it was just your classic case of a rabid pest attempting to make someone’s lawn its final resting place in order to assert its last and final petulant act of vengeance on the human species. (Fact: I am not a fan of coyotes ever since the bastards killed my beloved Yorkie 6 years and 44 days ago. Despite the urgings of my therapist to “move towards a place of forgiveness,” I remain mad as holy hell). Anyway, Laura called the proper authorities and decided this would be a fine time to take the kids out to dinner to spare them the horrors of the coyote’s ominous, impending fate. Upon hearing this, I just knew that the little devil’s spirit slyly made its way up to heaven and before St. Peter could tell him to “Go to Hell” the little a-hole slid under the Pearly Gates and floated off in search of some angelic, harp playing Yorkies to murder.
Anyway, Laura went on to say this was not her first brush with a bizarre animal death. I tilted my head to the side, squinted one eye, beckoning her to continue. Years ago, Laura explained that she was driving through the back woods in Ohio late one night (no, I do not have any idea why she was doing this either) when her headlights illuminated a squished raccoon lying in the middle of the road. As she came closer she suddenly screamed in terror as the raccoon lifted his head up, looked directly at her with its crazed eyes and hissed……. while its backside remained completely flattened and stuck to the pavement!!! Laura instinctively swerved to avoid it hitting it and stopped her car in a panic, making the classic, predictable mistake of every B-List actress staring in a low budget horror film. The hair on my arms stood straight up and my pulse quickened, “Noooooooooooo Laura! Stay in your car, lock your doors and keep driving!” I wanted to yell at her.
But Laura knew she could simply not allow this repugnant animal to continue its victimizing rampage on all the other attractive young girls driving through the woods, all alone, without a cell phone, or a weapon of any sort, in a car that had frequent and unexplainable mechanical problems, on a foggy night. No, this raccoon had to be taken out; its chilling reign of terror was over. Summoning her last bit of strength, Laura threw her car in reverse and plowed right back over the half dead raccoon and then just to be extra sure, laid on the gas and drove over it one more time. Her heart pounding, sweat pouring off her and her car sprayed with guts, Laura drove off, satisfied that the ghost raccoon would never be able to strike again……XO