Lisa: Did you know our vaginas are atrophying as we speak?
Erin: Duh. This is why I suffer from anxiety. I lie awake every night worrying about my old vagina. So what have you signed us up for?
Lisa: I received an email from a doctor who wants to laser our aging vaginas. I checked all her credentials and she is the real deal.
Erin: I refuse to have my vagina lasered in a mall kiosk.
Lisa: This laser tightens everything up and we are going.
Erin: So basically we will be like virgins again…You probably can’t even remember that far back.
Lisa: Annnnd you will stop pissing yourself when you laugh.
Months ago, I received an email from a Dr. Susan Schroeder in Colorado Springs, who explained that everything ages and wanted to rejuvenate Erin’s and my lady bits. EVERYTHING? I narrowed my eyes. I am the queen of anti-aging. Wrinkles, sun spots, laugh lines, acne? I cover it all…but the ole’ vertical smile? I wasn’t a slut in high school and I have only had one kid, so I just assumed I was el perfecto south of the boarder. Obviously, this was absolutely unacceptable to me. We.Were.Going.
Admittedly, when Erin and I were driving to our first vagina tightening appointment, we were hyperventilating, passing a paper bag back and forth. In retrospect, there was nothing to worry about. We were ushered into a beautiful, pristine, super chic office and greeted by an entire staff of vagina tightening angels.
Dr. Schroeder and her team explained that the procedure consisted of an exam, an internal laser and then an external laser. We would go back once a month for a total of three treatments. The assistant assured us it was “relatively” painless. We were brought back into a room and each given a razor since the procedure was considered ablative and hair can catch fire. Erin’s bush would have probably started a forest fire.
I went first. Erin stood over me and squeezed my hand. It totally looked like we were each other’s birthing coaches. Inside the vajay did not hurt. Outside hurt a bit. The love button hurt like holy hell. And then it was over. Over the next couple days we both started our periods and our vaginas swelled up like they had been stung by bees. Like a lot of bees. Annnnnd then….the magic happened.
Truthfully, I was just going to support Lisa’s old, decrepit vagina. Not to be all braggy, but I sort of assumed my love glove was in pretty good shape. I always get an A+ on pap smears (I even tape the report card they send me on the fridge with my kids’ spelling tests.) I have had two c-sections and seen way worse camel toe in Lululemon yoga pants than my own.
Honestly, the most traumatizing part of the entire experience was when Lisa and I had to shave our hoohahs next to each other. In that one moment, we valiantly crossed all healthy boundaries of friendship. We just sort of stood there, looking at each other, holding our pubes. I whispered, “Are pubes considered bio-hazard?” Lisa shrugged and I caught her eyeing my Louie Vuitton bag. I hissed, “OH.HELL.NO. We are not putting pubes in my designer purse!” We heard a knock on the door and quickly shoved them in the pocket.
Lisa did go first and her assessment was entirely correct. The inside does not hurt. Much as I suspected, Dr. Schroeder confirmed that my love tunnel was significantly smaller (my words, not her’s) in stark contrast to Lisa’s gigantic one. I was laying there all smug until Dr. Schroeder explained that my vagina would definitely require more lasering on the outside. Omg. I had a saggy vagina. All these years, countless guests and no one bothered to tell me that I was flapping in the breeze. Weeeell not anymore folks.
Ladies- This is preeeeeetty much the best investment you can make. We fully endorse Femtouch vaginal laser tightening and Dr. Susan Schroeder. We both noticed a SIGNIFICANT change after the second procedure. Three months later, our vaginas are amaaaaaaaazing. We can giggle without tinkling. Everything is tighter and happier. Lube is unnecessary. Sex is better. Our only advice is that you have to be extra careful not to yell out “THANK YOU DR. SCHROEDER” during your passionate lovemaking sessions, as it will totally kill the moment. Like try to stay focused.
And Gentlemen- We encourage you not buy your wife a gift certificate to see Dr. Schroeder unless specifically asked. Just trust us on this one….
Perfect Skin Dermatology
Susan Schroeder, MD
1259 Lake Plaza Drive, Suite #270
Colorado Springs, CO 80906