The other night I was sitting up in bed watching Breaking Dawn on my laptop while Mike was snoring next to me. For those of you who have not heard of the Twilight series and are just now joining planet Earth: Welcome. I was at the part in the movie when Edward (the controlling vampire), sneaks into Bella’s (the dumb teenage human) room the night before they were getting married. Edward says “Bella, I have something to tell you…..I have killed lots of people.” And Bella says “It’s okay, I trust you.”
Run Giiiiiirrrrrlll Rrrrrrruuuuuunnnnnn. Thank you filmmakers for illustrating such a shining beacon of light and infiltrating delusional thoughts amongst millions of impressionable girls, lonely housewives and my mother. Do you know you single handedly just quadrupled the teenage/vampire pregnancy rate in America? I CANNOT wait to one day show this portion of the movie to my daughters as an example of how to jack up your life.
- You are teenagers and you will subsequently regret everything you do during these years;
- Your fiancé has killed people, REPEAT K-I-L-L-E-D people and this is not sounding any alarms to you. See #1;
- He has a freezing cold vampire body that obviously includes a freezing cold penis;
- Your parents are like the most idiotic, clueless people EVER. Hi, as a parent it is your job to ensure that your children do not get mixed up with that werewolf/vampire crowd. Fucking duh;
- The dude does not have a JOB and you will now have to be around him all day unless he starts bowling. This will get old reallllllly fast and you will start to hate the way he breathes;
- You will be living with your in-laws, this will become a problem because you will be living with your in-laws;
- Vampire babies get ear infections and colic too and you will be reduced to threatening pediatricians with their lives if they do not give you Amoxicillin;
- Your vagina is going to get freezer burn from his popsicle penis. People lose toes from frost bite if you are picking up what I am putting down;
- Having sex with dead people is called necrophilia and that is just nasty. See #1; and
- HE HAS A FREEZING COLD PENIS. (Shudder)
I was cracking up and nudged Mike. He groaned. I said “Mike, I think someone is in the house!” He bolted up. “Nah, I am just kidding, I just wanted you to see how stupid this movie is!” He said “Goddamit Erin” and rolled over.
I was still laughing when I received my morning mom call the next day.
Me: Hi Mom.
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Writing a blog about Edward and Bella from Twilight.
Mom: What team are you on?
Me: Jacob. Definitely. Edward is an asshole.
Mom: Oh Gaaaawddd, I think Edward is soooooo sexy.
Me: Mom, he has an icicle penis.
Mom: So what. Mmmmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Me: Ma-losing-serv-call-you-in-a-year. (Wadding up a piece of paper in the phone receiver)
Mom: Bye Honey.
Good morning everyone. XO
My daughter is not mixed up with the wrong crowd. Yes, I realize this is the second year she has dressed as a gothic vampire for Halloween.