Life Marriage

The Secret To Mike’s Success

A couple days ago Mike went and met with our accountants to discuss something called taxes (?).  Whatever.  I refused to go because last year I was so bored I kept stabbing myself in the leg under the table with a fork and counting spilled sugar granules to stay awake.  I also told Mike I was going to tell those dudes to figure out how to get my boob job written off.  He said I could stay home.

By the time Mike got home that night, the girls were asleep and I was in the bathtub learning about Heidi Klum and Seal.  OMG.  Now THAT is some serious shit. “I love you!  I want to make 9,000 babies with you!  (Stop.  Make-out at Whole Foods) I cannot quit having sex with you!  We put our marriage before our children.  (Stop.  Make-out in a Taxi.) Our hearts beat as one!  Oh yes, annnnnnnnd we are separating.”  WTF?  Anyway, Mike strode in the bathroom super wound up like he just came home from a dental seminar rather than a tax meeting.  I peeked my eyes over the top of my magazine in curiosity.

“ERIN YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!  THE OFFICE IS IN THE TOP 1% OF DENTAL OFFICES!!!  _______ ACTUALLY WANTS TO HIRE INVESTORS AND HAVE SOMEBODY COME STUDY OUR BUSINESS MODEL!!!”  I smiled at him because he looks so cute when he gets excited and happy.  “THEY LITERALLY CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY WE ARE MAKING MORE MONEY THIS YEAR!!!!”  Annnnnd then I started laughing and redirected my attention to my magazine, listening to him blabber on.

Finally, I said softly, “Hey Honey, I already know the secret to your success!”  Mike stopped dancing and looked at me.  “Dentists need to buy 2 houses.”  “Huh?” He asked with inquiring eyes.  I sat my magazine down.  “In dental school they teach your kind to only work 4 days a week for reasons I do not understand nor can explain but don’t feel bad, they teach this to hair dressers too.”  Mike tilted his head.   “Now since we could not afford to pay for 2 homes in close proximity to one another, you opened up on Fridays to make more money.  Correct?”  Mike’s eyes lit up as this information registered.  “Okay then, here is what you need to do: Sell these genius boys this lucrative nugget of information and go back to working 4 days a week.”  Fucking duh.

I watched Mike standing shaking in laughter as I put on a pair of the girls swim goggles, dunked myself under water and held my breath for as long as I could.  The kids are right, that is fun.  Sometimes it really astounds me that I only have a B.S. behind my name.  XO


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