Children Family Marriage


I used to feel sorry for people with Celiac’s disease.  Not anymore.  I accidentally bought a bag of gluten-free ginger snaps and they are pretty much BOMB.  Mmmmmm…Mmmmmmm….Mmmmmmmmmm.  I am typing with one hand so I can keep eating.  Anyway, Mike got home from Dallas on Saturday.  While the girls were engrossed in a movie downstairs, I decided to give him a quick welcome home present…in the closet.  We shimmied out of our clothes and started to get it on when all of a sudden I heard one of the kids.  Mike whispered “Just be quiet, we can finish up.”  Um yeah hi, I am on anti-anxiety medication.  Sting could get off faster than me.

You know those stories about moms who lift cars off babies because their adrenaline is pumping so hard?  I was like that with Mike.  I threw his ass off me into my shelves and shoved him behind the door just before my six year old peeked in and demanded to know what I was doing.  Flashbacks of high school passed before my eyes.  I was like “Um well uh I um was just changing my clothes so I could take you to the toy store and buy you a new toy!”  Mike rolled his eyes.  In addition to being socially awkward, I am also not able to lie under duress.  I need time to think of my lies.

“Where’s Daddy?  I need him to kill some zombies on my iTouch because you are no good at it but I still love you,” she asked trying to nudge her way in.  “Oh Please. I can kill zombies just as good as dad can,” bracing myself against the door.  Mike flicked my arm enough to cause me minor pain and I kicked him in the shin.  “Anyway, he is down in the garage.  Go get him.”  She scampered off and I extracted the four hangers and the stiletto that were wedged in Mike’s back following his crash landing.  “So where were we?”  I purred.  Mike informed me that his private parts hated me.

There was foreshadowing to this incident.  A few months ago one of my girlfriends told me that she and her husband had put their toddler down for a nap in his room and were happily humping away in theirs when she looked over and realized her son had snuck in bed with them.  I laughed hysterically.  Then that SAME week my other girlfriend sent me a text informing me that she and her husband were having a genital reunion, when their fifteen year old daughter walked in.  My friend said they pretended like they were playing a practical joke on her while she just stared at them like they were utterly revolting.  Good One Guys!  You totally got her!  ZING!

Anyhow, a few hours later Mike and I were grocery shopping when I received a text from my darling stepdaughter asking if she could have a few friends over.  Sure, whatever.  A few minutes later I get another text asking if two more kids could come.  Okay.  Then she sent another text containing a grocery list: Doritos, pizza, ice cream, candy, etc. etc.  I turned to Mike and said “Omg.  Did we fucking forget her birthday!?”  Two hundred dollars later we returned home to find twelve teenagers in our house.  Fascinating.  Most kids throw a party when their trusting parents are not home.

By the next morning, our house looked like it had been ransacked.  Every last morsel of food was gone with the exception of my gluten-free ginger snaps.  HA! You Fools.  I felt like I had been up all night with a newborn that I kept yelling shut up to.  It just astounds me how much more mature I was at that age.  See – I had time to think of that lie.  Have a spectacular week precious ones!  XO



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