A few nights ago, I received a text from my uncle. It was a picture of him and some cute chick in an awkward side-hug. Random. I took a picture of my dog licking his ass and sent it back to him with a “?”.
A few minutes later he responded by telling me he was at the mall buying shoes when someone called his phone by accident and asked if he had a wife named Erin. My uncle responded, “Not only do I not have a wife named Erin, I don’t have one at all!” (Don’t be sad for him. He is actually happy. In fact, I try to minimize the amount of time Mike spends with him so he doesn’t get any big ideas about how much better his life could be).
Anywho, as soon as he hung up his phone the saleswoman randomly said, “I know an Erin, she writes a really funny blog.” My uncle said, “I have a niece named Erin who writes a blog but, she is not very funny.” Blah, blah, blah they put it together that it was me and decided to take a picture in a loving embrace.
I showed the picture to Mike and said, “You know what this tells me Mike Moroni? I have finaaaaalllly made it buddy. Look, I don’t want you feeling intimidated around me now since, I am ‘kind of’ famous. I will throw you a few bucks once my money starts rolling in; you have always been good to me.”
Mike didn’t bother to look up from kicking field goals on his phone. “You know what this tells me? You spend way too much fucking time at the mall.” Whatever.
Moving on…Mike recently asked me to join him for dinner with some VIP bankers who were in town for the day. After fourteen years together, it still baffles me that he requests my attendance at such events. I hold a perfect record for being entirely socially inept in professional scenarios. I immediately began rehearsing my “no-no” words including but, not limited to: vibrator, placenta, poop, dwarfs, fuckface, vomit, bored, this food is gross, balls, politics, ass-pirate and religions that creep me out.
I decided the only thing I could safely talk about with bankers was that dumb lunar eclipse happening that night. I went ahead and googled what an eclipse was. Did you know that according to the Mayan calendar there will not be another one of these marvels until 2033? Fascinating, and just like that, I stumbled across a cure for insomnia. Yawn.
I met the captivating banker populace at the restaurant since they were all coming from work and I don’t have a job. I wondered if I should valet park or not. If I did, they would realize I am extremely assiduous about stimulating the economy on a consistent basis. If I didn’t, they would assume I was extremely frugal yet, highly ambitious, since Jimmy Choos are super hard to walk in. I valeted.
I walked in and saw a table full of earnest looking people perusing the wine list.Yep, I was totally fucked. Talk about the stupid moon. Talk about the stupid moon. Talk about the stupid moon.
Well, low and behold, dinner was actually a total riot. The last time I was this surprised by anything was when I discovered I was knocked up, even though I was still breastfeeding my first kid. I honestly had no idea that bankers could have personalities. I even learned we have something in common…..WE BOTH LOVE MONEY!!! Who knew.
I only mentioned placentas once to inform them I wasn’t going to talk about placentas. I genuinely liked everyone there, even the guy I suspected was a mute sitting at the other end. I thought it was super nice they gave him a job. As we were leaving, I asked the head honcho if I could bum a few bucks off of him to tip the valet and he actually reached for his wallet. It was seriously awesome.
I hope the rest of your week is spectacular. Go sparkle! XO